Lies We Tell

Things have always been like this and there's nothing I can do about it.

Even looking back half a year or so, I see how much things have indeed changed. Friendships that are the most near and dear to my heart had yet to really take root.

Feeling stuck in a slightly frustratingly less than ideal situation for a few months makes time slow and memory fade. It seems as though the past was what the present currently is, and the future can only be more of this. I don't want that, but I am afraid of change in general, let alone causing it, on purpose none the less.

First lie is nothing ever changes. Everything changes, nothing is constant. That would be boring and really defeat the whole purpose of life.

The second lie I tell myself is that I am ok with the way things are and would be satisfied if nothing progressed. This is false in every situation I attempt to apply it in. I want to grow personally, spiritually, interpersonally, professionally, and educationally. Stagnation and boredom never were happiness. Feeling overwhelmed and overworked can make someone long for an empty to-do list, listless days lounging on the couch binge watching Orange is the New Black and Parks and Recreation on Netflix. But, that's not what anyone ACTUALLY wants. Sure, the utter lack of negative pressures and stressors is appealing, but without those things, how can we grow?

There are many situations when I say I'm fine, or I'm ok, or no I'm just tired, or I don't know what's upsetting me when I'm not and I do know. I know so well because I think about it more than anything else in my life, which in itself is frustrating because I can't focus on anything else no matter how desperately I try to sidetrack myself.

What if is a scary and seductive thing. What if I were to be brave enough not only to admit within myself that I want the situation to change in a very specific way, but create the ideal situation from the current one. What if I told myself the truth, and then told you. What would you do then? I cannot know the answer, and so I continue to keep this inside myself, denying everything as much as I can, Tricking myself into mentally skirting the thoughts that hurt, ignoring a deep ache, creating a carefully crafted false numbness.

But, this breaks. Everything that is not genuine falls away, leaving the innermost, raw, and deep truths rise to my awareness. No, it hasn't always been this way. I lived a life before I met you. No, it hasn't even been this way very long. My frustrations concerning you have intensified over the past year, but they were not very pressing until maybe six months ago. Let's not extrapolate. No, I'm not ok. I hurt. I hurt a lot everyday. No, I don't fear or dread change in general, I fear loss. Losing you again isn't an option. I'd take this deep ache over that sharp stab of agony any day, and I do. I will not change this on purpose.

That is one thing I tell myself that is actually true. As frustrating as it is that I am not more involved in your life, I am thankful to have you in mine.

The second truth I tell myself is that I love you and will most likely never share the depth of my feelings with you intentionally. Maybe you see it in my eyes when I look at you, hear it in my voice when I speak to you, feel it from my actions towards and interactions with you, or sense it in my reluctance to let go of you after a hug. If so, I'm glad you know. You should know how wonderful you are in my eyes, how much you are loved, and how much you deserve love. I just can't tell you.

Catch me staring. Please let me show you.
Engage me in conversations. Please hear me.
Allow me to be with you often. Please let my actions speak to your heart.
Hold me. Feel my muscles relax as your arms wrap around me, my heartbeat slow down, feel my chest rise and fall in breaths that synchronize with yours, feel the electricity that causes my relaxation to metamorphosize into something deeper. I notice that we don't hold still, shifting our weight from side to side, occasionally repositioning. Your breathing isn't as slow as it was but I match it without thinking. My heart jumps into my throat and begins pounding a quicker rhythm in my ears. But, your arms begin to go slack. Sometimes I hold on despite the implications of such an action. Embarrassment does not exist when I am close enough to feel your heart and hear your quiet breaths. But it has to end sometime. And then the pain I ignore everyday that had been purged by the electric current rushes back into my system, shocking me with its force. Maybe it would have been better to never have become truly numb in the first place. How did I ever live with this ache?

I cannot keep my distance. Sometimes it feels as if you are attracted to me as well, which cannot be true. You reach out to me tenderly, both physically and mentally. You initiate touch and time together. I know I want you. Do you know what you want?

When you figure that out, I'll be waiting.