Over analysing everything sucks.
Why is it that I can casually say ,"I love you" to all my friends, regardless of gender, except him? And now someone else has I am panicking. He isn't mine. He never was mine. He never will be mine. Why am I jealous? It was super casual, she'd called him for a quick favor and said it as a farewell. It could have been a simple slip of the tongue, or habit. But it sounded so familiar and normal coming from her, like she said it to him all the time. I can't and she can. Joy...Then it got better... He came and sat between us and she leaned so I was leaning on him. Mixed messages, gotta love them.
Of course, this situation and others like it are completely and entirely my fault. It's because I won't say those three little words because they mean so much more when it's him. I love him. Not like I love my friends. If I said "I love you" to him, I would be revealing a much deeper emotion, being vulnerable. Often, I wiggle around this by saying "I love you guys" to a group he is in.
This insecurity and jealousy are also my fault. I won't fight for him. I'm too afraid that he won't want me. Rejection would make it harder to be by his side. It's already difficult enough because of my feelings. Even with all the pain involved, there's nowhere I'd rather be. I'll stay as long as he'll let me... Until someone takes him away from me. Maybe someone already has. Maybe the reason it sounded so normal is because she has won his heart. I never could. Why begrudge a victory that could never be mine?
I'm freaking Taylor Swift, thinking he belongs with me...
I'm freaking Eponine, on my own pretending he's beside me...
I'm every broken hearted and overlooked girl ever. It's not tragically beautiful, as it is painted in literature. It's not even unique. This pain is common. My feelings are not special in their nature or their intensity. Hearts break little by little every day, so what is one more crack?
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