Tuesday, September 6, 2016
Things I Won't Admit
I wish things weren't so complicated. I miss hanging out while you work on something and hearing you type. I miss curling up on your couch and looking at the back of your head and smiling. I miss not having to say anything. I miss that calm feeling I could feel around you, the feeling that meant I could stop putting on a show for everyone. I miss you. I miss you loads. We see eachother, but I'm not letting any connection form. But then we dance and everything is normal. We are clicking and our minds are in sync and on exactly the same page. We are working together, creating, feeling, and sharing. I want that ease off the dance floor. I want to share and feel together in other situations... In every situation. I want to be there, wherever there is, with you.
Friday, July 1, 2016
Lies We Tell
Things have always been like this and there's nothing I can do about it.
Even looking back half a year or so, I see how much things have indeed changed. Friendships that are the most near and dear to my heart had yet to really take root.
Feeling stuck in a slightly frustratingly less than ideal situation for a few months makes time slow and memory fade. It seems as though the past was what the present currently is, and the future can only be more of this. I don't want that, but I am afraid of change in general, let alone causing it, on purpose none the less.
First lie is nothing ever changes. Everything changes, nothing is constant. That would be boring and really defeat the whole purpose of life.
The second lie I tell myself is that I am ok with the way things are and would be satisfied if nothing progressed. This is false in every situation I attempt to apply it in. I want to grow personally, spiritually, interpersonally, professionally, and educationally. Stagnation and boredom never were happiness. Feeling overwhelmed and overworked can make someone long for an empty to-do list, listless days lounging on the couch binge watching Orange is the New Black and Parks and Recreation on Netflix. But, that's not what anyone ACTUALLY wants. Sure, the utter lack of negative pressures and stressors is appealing, but without those things, how can we grow?
There are many situations when I say I'm fine, or I'm ok, or no I'm just tired, or I don't know what's upsetting me when I'm not and I do know. I know so well because I think about it more than anything else in my life, which in itself is frustrating because I can't focus on anything else no matter how desperately I try to sidetrack myself.
What if is a scary and seductive thing. What if I were to be brave enough not only to admit within myself that I want the situation to change in a very specific way, but create the ideal situation from the current one. What if I told myself the truth, and then told you. What would you do then? I cannot know the answer, and so I continue to keep this inside myself, denying everything as much as I can, Tricking myself into mentally skirting the thoughts that hurt, ignoring a deep ache, creating a carefully crafted false numbness.
But, this breaks. Everything that is not genuine falls away, leaving the innermost, raw, and deep truths rise to my awareness. No, it hasn't always been this way. I lived a life before I met you. No, it hasn't even been this way very long. My frustrations concerning you have intensified over the past year, but they were not very pressing until maybe six months ago. Let's not extrapolate. No, I'm not ok. I hurt. I hurt a lot everyday. No, I don't fear or dread change in general, I fear loss. Losing you again isn't an option. I'd take this deep ache over that sharp stab of agony any day, and I do. I will not change this on purpose.
That is one thing I tell myself that is actually true. As frustrating as it is that I am not more involved in your life, I am thankful to have you in mine.
The second truth I tell myself is that I love you and will most likely never share the depth of my feelings with you intentionally. Maybe you see it in my eyes when I look at you, hear it in my voice when I speak to you, feel it from my actions towards and interactions with you, or sense it in my reluctance to let go of you after a hug. If so, I'm glad you know. You should know how wonderful you are in my eyes, how much you are loved, and how much you deserve love. I just can't tell you.
Catch me staring. Please let me show you.
Engage me in conversations. Please hear me.
Allow me to be with you often. Please let my actions speak to your heart.
Hold me. Feel my muscles relax as your arms wrap around me, my heartbeat slow down, feel my chest rise and fall in breaths that synchronize with yours, feel the electricity that causes my relaxation to metamorphosize into something deeper. I notice that we don't hold still, shifting our weight from side to side, occasionally repositioning. Your breathing isn't as slow as it was but I match it without thinking. My heart jumps into my throat and begins pounding a quicker rhythm in my ears. But, your arms begin to go slack. Sometimes I hold on despite the implications of such an action. Embarrassment does not exist when I am close enough to feel your heart and hear your quiet breaths. But it has to end sometime. And then the pain I ignore everyday that had been purged by the electric current rushes back into my system, shocking me with its force. Maybe it would have been better to never have become truly numb in the first place. How did I ever live with this ache?
I cannot keep my distance. Sometimes it feels as if you are attracted to me as well, which cannot be true. You reach out to me tenderly, both physically and mentally. You initiate touch and time together. I know I want you. Do you know what you want?
When you figure that out, I'll be waiting.
Even looking back half a year or so, I see how much things have indeed changed. Friendships that are the most near and dear to my heart had yet to really take root.
Feeling stuck in a slightly frustratingly less than ideal situation for a few months makes time slow and memory fade. It seems as though the past was what the present currently is, and the future can only be more of this. I don't want that, but I am afraid of change in general, let alone causing it, on purpose none the less.
First lie is nothing ever changes. Everything changes, nothing is constant. That would be boring and really defeat the whole purpose of life.
The second lie I tell myself is that I am ok with the way things are and would be satisfied if nothing progressed. This is false in every situation I attempt to apply it in. I want to grow personally, spiritually, interpersonally, professionally, and educationally. Stagnation and boredom never were happiness. Feeling overwhelmed and overworked can make someone long for an empty to-do list, listless days lounging on the couch binge watching Orange is the New Black and Parks and Recreation on Netflix. But, that's not what anyone ACTUALLY wants. Sure, the utter lack of negative pressures and stressors is appealing, but without those things, how can we grow?
There are many situations when I say I'm fine, or I'm ok, or no I'm just tired, or I don't know what's upsetting me when I'm not and I do know. I know so well because I think about it more than anything else in my life, which in itself is frustrating because I can't focus on anything else no matter how desperately I try to sidetrack myself.
What if is a scary and seductive thing. What if I were to be brave enough not only to admit within myself that I want the situation to change in a very specific way, but create the ideal situation from the current one. What if I told myself the truth, and then told you. What would you do then? I cannot know the answer, and so I continue to keep this inside myself, denying everything as much as I can, Tricking myself into mentally skirting the thoughts that hurt, ignoring a deep ache, creating a carefully crafted false numbness.
But, this breaks. Everything that is not genuine falls away, leaving the innermost, raw, and deep truths rise to my awareness. No, it hasn't always been this way. I lived a life before I met you. No, it hasn't even been this way very long. My frustrations concerning you have intensified over the past year, but they were not very pressing until maybe six months ago. Let's not extrapolate. No, I'm not ok. I hurt. I hurt a lot everyday. No, I don't fear or dread change in general, I fear loss. Losing you again isn't an option. I'd take this deep ache over that sharp stab of agony any day, and I do. I will not change this on purpose.
That is one thing I tell myself that is actually true. As frustrating as it is that I am not more involved in your life, I am thankful to have you in mine.
The second truth I tell myself is that I love you and will most likely never share the depth of my feelings with you intentionally. Maybe you see it in my eyes when I look at you, hear it in my voice when I speak to you, feel it from my actions towards and interactions with you, or sense it in my reluctance to let go of you after a hug. If so, I'm glad you know. You should know how wonderful you are in my eyes, how much you are loved, and how much you deserve love. I just can't tell you.
Catch me staring. Please let me show you.
Engage me in conversations. Please hear me.
Allow me to be with you often. Please let my actions speak to your heart.
Hold me. Feel my muscles relax as your arms wrap around me, my heartbeat slow down, feel my chest rise and fall in breaths that synchronize with yours, feel the electricity that causes my relaxation to metamorphosize into something deeper. I notice that we don't hold still, shifting our weight from side to side, occasionally repositioning. Your breathing isn't as slow as it was but I match it without thinking. My heart jumps into my throat and begins pounding a quicker rhythm in my ears. But, your arms begin to go slack. Sometimes I hold on despite the implications of such an action. Embarrassment does not exist when I am close enough to feel your heart and hear your quiet breaths. But it has to end sometime. And then the pain I ignore everyday that had been purged by the electric current rushes back into my system, shocking me with its force. Maybe it would have been better to never have become truly numb in the first place. How did I ever live with this ache?
I cannot keep my distance. Sometimes it feels as if you are attracted to me as well, which cannot be true. You reach out to me tenderly, both physically and mentally. You initiate touch and time together. I know I want you. Do you know what you want?
When you figure that out, I'll be waiting.
Monday, June 27, 2016
Notes from Church
Sculpture. Like life, but rather than a senseless hunk of marble we have agency. We can get up and walk away from the sculpture whenever we chose. The test is whether we will stay still as a chisel is lined up and struck with a hammer to knock away unnecessary parts.
Ways to invite repentance: 1. Remember 2. Imagine
Get out of the present moment.
The greater the distance between the giver and the receiver, the more the receiver develops a sense of entitlement.
Sunday, June 26, 2016
Okaeri
Okaeri
I hope "Welcome home" means I love you. It doesn't, at least not in the way I wish...
We have it so good. Friendship is amazing and I spend loads of time with you. //i should be satisfied and leave well enough alone. But I can't. You are home to me now. I am calm when I am in your arms and our breaths and hearts synchronize. Once I am there, once you let me be there, how am I ever to let you go?
I remember the precursive hand I found resting on my waist, and then it moved to my hip, pulling me into you. I remember waking up and realizing you were asleep behind me. Why do I have to remember these things as cherished, one-of-a-kind moments?
We are a team. I want you always.
Tadaima
I love you
I hope "Welcome home" means I love you. It doesn't, at least not in the way I wish...
We have it so good. Friendship is amazing and I spend loads of time with you. //i should be satisfied and leave well enough alone. But I can't. You are home to me now. I am calm when I am in your arms and our breaths and hearts synchronize. Once I am there, once you let me be there, how am I ever to let you go?
I remember the precursive hand I found resting on my waist, and then it moved to my hip, pulling me into you. I remember waking up and realizing you were asleep behind me. Why do I have to remember these things as cherished, one-of-a-kind moments?
We are a team. I want you always.
Tadaima
I love you
Monday, June 13, 2016
Monday June 12th 2:30am
I am a broken record.
Complaints are pointless when you disregard the advice and help people offer.
I bite my nails until they hurt, exposing the quick, I gnaw at my cuticles until they bleed, I chew the inside of my checks until places swell, I spend all the time I can with you and the rest wishing you were with me. You don't mind, but you don't care the way I do. But I can't leave these things alone.
At a single word of praise from you, my heart soars.
Your laughter warms my soul.
When you talk to me about the things you love, your eyes light up. I can't help but get excited and love those things too. Your dreams become my dreams. I'll do anything to see that light in you eyes. It should be enough to know you are happy and step out of the picture, but I can't.
This hurts. It is more annoying than a broken record, is more sore than my checks, and aches more than my mangled finger nails. Even when you are happy, even when I am with you, you are not mine. I want to share everything with you because you make everything better. But, you don't want me and I don't know why.
Friendships have ups and downs. Even the best of friends have arguments and say harsh things. You are my friend, but your words, whether of encouragement or chastisement, are powerful. I love you when you are happy, but I still love you when you aren't. When the light in your eyes disappears along with your good opinion of me. You can think the worst of me and you tell me. Just because I think you are right for me, I am not right for you. Indeed, perhaps you aren't right for me.
This hope will never die no matter how I try. It makes life harder, but you can't choose what your heart does.
At least I have time with you.
That keeps me happy.
But, even in your company, I am still alone.
Complaints are pointless when you disregard the advice and help people offer.
I bite my nails until they hurt, exposing the quick, I gnaw at my cuticles until they bleed, I chew the inside of my checks until places swell, I spend all the time I can with you and the rest wishing you were with me. You don't mind, but you don't care the way I do. But I can't leave these things alone.
At a single word of praise from you, my heart soars.
Your laughter warms my soul.
When you talk to me about the things you love, your eyes light up. I can't help but get excited and love those things too. Your dreams become my dreams. I'll do anything to see that light in you eyes. It should be enough to know you are happy and step out of the picture, but I can't.
This hurts. It is more annoying than a broken record, is more sore than my checks, and aches more than my mangled finger nails. Even when you are happy, even when I am with you, you are not mine. I want to share everything with you because you make everything better. But, you don't want me and I don't know why.
Friendships have ups and downs. Even the best of friends have arguments and say harsh things. You are my friend, but your words, whether of encouragement or chastisement, are powerful. I love you when you are happy, but I still love you when you aren't. When the light in your eyes disappears along with your good opinion of me. You can think the worst of me and you tell me. Just because I think you are right for me, I am not right for you. Indeed, perhaps you aren't right for me.
This hope will never die no matter how I try. It makes life harder, but you can't choose what your heart does.
At least I have time with you.
That keeps me happy.
But, even in your company, I am still alone.
Saturday, June 11, 2016
Saturday June 11th 1am
Over analysing everything sucks.
Why is it that I can casually say ,"I love you" to all my friends, regardless of gender, except him? And now someone else has I am panicking. He isn't mine. He never was mine. He never will be mine. Why am I jealous? It was super casual, she'd called him for a quick favor and said it as a farewell. It could have been a simple slip of the tongue, or habit. But it sounded so familiar and normal coming from her, like she said it to him all the time. I can't and she can. Joy...Then it got better... He came and sat between us and she leaned so I was leaning on him. Mixed messages, gotta love them.
Of course, this situation and others like it are completely and entirely my fault. It's because I won't say those three little words because they mean so much more when it's him. I love him. Not like I love my friends. If I said "I love you" to him, I would be revealing a much deeper emotion, being vulnerable. Often, I wiggle around this by saying "I love you guys" to a group he is in.
This insecurity and jealousy are also my fault. I won't fight for him. I'm too afraid that he won't want me. Rejection would make it harder to be by his side. It's already difficult enough because of my feelings. Even with all the pain involved, there's nowhere I'd rather be. I'll stay as long as he'll let me... Until someone takes him away from me. Maybe someone already has. Maybe the reason it sounded so normal is because she has won his heart. I never could. Why begrudge a victory that could never be mine?
I'm freaking Taylor Swift, thinking he belongs with me...
I'm freaking Eponine, on my own pretending he's beside me...
I'm every broken hearted and overlooked girl ever. It's not tragically beautiful, as it is painted in literature. It's not even unique. This pain is common. My feelings are not special in their nature or their intensity. Hearts break little by little every day, so what is one more crack?
Why is it that I can casually say ,"I love you" to all my friends, regardless of gender, except him? And now someone else has I am panicking. He isn't mine. He never was mine. He never will be mine. Why am I jealous? It was super casual, she'd called him for a quick favor and said it as a farewell. It could have been a simple slip of the tongue, or habit. But it sounded so familiar and normal coming from her, like she said it to him all the time. I can't and she can. Joy...Then it got better... He came and sat between us and she leaned so I was leaning on him. Mixed messages, gotta love them.
Of course, this situation and others like it are completely and entirely my fault. It's because I won't say those three little words because they mean so much more when it's him. I love him. Not like I love my friends. If I said "I love you" to him, I would be revealing a much deeper emotion, being vulnerable. Often, I wiggle around this by saying "I love you guys" to a group he is in.
This insecurity and jealousy are also my fault. I won't fight for him. I'm too afraid that he won't want me. Rejection would make it harder to be by his side. It's already difficult enough because of my feelings. Even with all the pain involved, there's nowhere I'd rather be. I'll stay as long as he'll let me... Until someone takes him away from me. Maybe someone already has. Maybe the reason it sounded so normal is because she has won his heart. I never could. Why begrudge a victory that could never be mine?
I'm freaking Taylor Swift, thinking he belongs with me...
I'm freaking Eponine, on my own pretending he's beside me...
I'm every broken hearted and overlooked girl ever. It's not tragically beautiful, as it is painted in literature. It's not even unique. This pain is common. My feelings are not special in their nature or their intensity. Hearts break little by little every day, so what is one more crack?
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