Reminders

I’ve had a few reminders this week. None were very pleasant. If you only want to read inspirational things, you might want to stop reading. This whole post makes my blogs title a hypocrisy, it’s not gonna be hopeful or optimistic. This, for all intents and purposes, is a thought dump. Because these thoughts are creating a sort of static in my brain and making me feel incapable of practically everything.

I was forcefully reminded that all relationships are fleeting and you can’t keep grasping at something that has long since died. I expected a few friends of mine to behave as if things weren’t the way that they are. But, I couldn’t escape reality. They both thrust it in my face. I used to see both daily and now I’ll be lucky to see either. No amount of scheming or planning or pestering will change that.  I will miss both of these friends immensely.

I also remembered what it was like to cry over a boy. It hardly happens to me. Not to say that I’m not sentimental or attracted to guys because I am…. It’s just I have never been a crier. Except about him. And he’ll never know. It’s a bit silly, but honestly the best way I can describe it is that, “I cannot bear to have him in the world and thinking ill of me.” (Jane Austin) The worst part is I knew I didn’t deserve him. Though going to a dance doesn’t really make people a couple, we both felt it. And it just grew and grew until it was crushed. I thought I was over the almost-something, but I was wrong. He pushed me away. I backed off sort of, but still tried to be “just good friends.” It didn’t go too well so I gave up and we stopped talking. But then I had to go and text him. And his coldness hurt. I know his reasoning and I know it’s not in my power to change, but I still wish I could. I did lose a friend no matter what he said. Sunday would be the last time I see him before he goes off to the big wide world but I’m not invited. So I cried.  

I also had to relearn that some questions are better unsaid even if you already know the answer. It hurts to hear it. The torture is as self-inflicted as it is voluntary. Not that I wanted the pain, but I knew the possibility of it and still asked. My throat constricted and my eyes burned but I knew for certain. It wasn’t worth it.

I’m not really good at life, in fact I kinda suck at it. Not sure how I forgot, but I apparently did. I constantly surprise myself with my own…. Derpiness. Many little reminders seasoned this week like it was a barbeque. ADHD metaphor. It probably makes no sense but it did in my head. And there, my friends, is the problem. The way things are inside my head are not the way things are. This becomes both confusing and freaking annoying.

I forget that things are not in my control a great deal of the time. People affect me. I affect people. Sometimes I am not even aware of it, but there is so much around me that is pulling and pushing me to act. Decisions have to be made and that’s ok, but when a decision is made but not carried out, the whole ordeal was a waste.

In addition, I was reminded of all the factors that necessitated my way of processing and reacting to situations. Personal problems in my past have changed the way I have developed. I saw that things could have been different, and quite honestly, it was hard not to be angry and feel as if I was a victim of cruel circumstances. A reminder promotes forgetfulness: I forgot the benefits for others involved, and the fact that many others are fighting much bigger battles than I have ever faced.

It’s easy to forget about the way things are. The way I am. The problems that pester me and multiply before my eyes. Remembering hurts. You forget how bad it is until you have to feel it again. You think that perhaps it was all just a phase. That you’d found a way out of the cycle. You had conquered. But really, you’re the same as you were yesterday, and tomorrow will bring no significant changes. Reality is a constant but our perception of it varies.  Our choices that are so influenced by this perception can change the way our life is. The way reality is. And on a lucky occasion, that’s good.

Reminders hurt, but they also help. For instance, I had one slighty reassuring (if harsh) lesson this afternoon. I made the choice to move out a week ago due to a plethora of details and facts that you really don’t need to know (and listing would take forever) and since have felt kind of lost. My group helped me and have supported me, but there were times that I wished for the familiarity of home. I had forgotten within a few days the factors that had added up to my decision. How fickle the mind is. But, today I went shopping with my parents. It was pretty terrible. The combination of a time limit, too many options, and the pressure to acquiesce to their opinions made the trip exhausting and extremely frustrating, not to mention fruitless. They got a salad spinner for a wedding reception I can’t attend, but that doesn’t even count. Everything was so dramatic and they both treated me like I was a little girl. I am 18. Even if I do suck at life, I’m still an adult. As like 6 days ago, but still! The week of longing for home seems silly now. I’m happy I moved out, even if it does make some things more complicated. The stress of trying and failing to make them proud and happy has been a bit lifted. I am still who I have always been: a person who tries to do their best both for herself and others, but I have the opportunity to see myself without automatically looking through their biased lenses. Their opinion still matters, but so does mine. I shouldn’t change for them or around them. I am who I am, and I’m a decent person. I like myself. Sure, I have a lot to work on, but I know that my heart is in the right place. Sometimes they made me forget that, but all I needed was some reminders.