Sentimental Reasons

Thinking in new ways is really interesting. Today I had the opportunity to take a mental journey that surprised me. It seemed to be something that was silly and mystical at first, but as I tried to get over my skepticism, I found value in it. Of course, I’m not going to change my default way of processing information and reality, but it was a refreshing change and helped me get some insight that I’ve been needing.

My friend sort of guided me, but I was able to also find and draw my own conclusions. I saw how the past has affected me without blaming anyone. Everything is so interconnected and that’s not bad. Memories and questions that are painful are fine to have. Crying is sometimes a step towards saying good bye, stepping back, letting go, and moving on.

Something has been bothering me for about a week now. It’s basically a huge what if question. There wasn’t going to be any closure and I needed to try to accept that. Accept the fact that I don’t, and indeed may never, understand why it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. The way I wished it had. But wishing doesn’t do anything or change anything. Besides I don’t want to take away another person’s choice. So, it’s time to move on. Past the crying. Past the confusion.

It seems odd to explain what I did to help with that, with letting go… I might sound a little crazy. Oh well. So, for me, places and experiences are connected to specific people. The person I was thinking of so much went to my high school, and I happened to be there tonight hanging out with some friends. A feeling of overwhelming and bitter sorrow hit me hard. The tears came and I felt silly. I was crying over him like for the fourth time in a few days. This wasn’t acceptable to me, so I decided to try and work through this emotion so I didn’t cry over him again.

I walked across the grounds in the dark. A few light pole eliminated segments of the rolling grassy hills. I sat in a place just out of the light and let the feeling in full force. Focusing on the memories and the sensation in my throat they caused, the tightening and the breathlessness. I then visualized that feeling as an object, roughly a circle the size of two acorns. I “pushed” this object up and into my hands and blew my sorrow into it. Still, it was not stable and kept shifting and trying to reenter me. SO I whispered to it. I said all the things I wish I could have said to him. I told him that I loved him and that I still didn’t understand. I told him that I would be alright, even if I never got my closure. I kissed the invisible object and tried to pour all my feelings and memories connected with him into it. Then I pushed it into the grass, deep into the school grounds where it all began.

The memories belong to the school now. Not to me. Well, they belong to the version of myself that walked those halls. That person is gone now. And although I still sense her within me, it’s a new stage and I need a new slate. I love the place I live and I don’t want to leave simply to avoid sentimental places. So I give the sentiment to the place it is connected to, and try to move on.