Friends
don’t break up. Then what happened? Did we mutually unfriend? As weird as it
sounds, I’m heartbroken; I deleted his number, I unfriended him, and erased all
the conversations we ever had. But even if I can’t read his words, they play
through my head. I miss him and it’s stupid. I don’t know if I’ll feel better
sooner or later or not at all, but then it was only last night. Work only
distracted me for a while, then the sorrow returned. And a little anger along
with it.
How
could someone who called themselves my friend be so hurtful? It certainly
wasn’t accidental; he knew the effect he was having. His messages were volleys
of fleche digging into me. The more I
opened up, the more he maliciously rejected me.
There was not found farewell, there was just a flat statement. He was
pushing me away and building a wall between us.
I wish
I could be happy just to spite him. I wish I could say I didn’t care. But I
know different. I know better. He means a lot to me even now, even after. It
hurts. It hurts more than the slap I got from my mom for having him over at a
spontaneous swim party. It hurts more than the fear and the solitude that
followed. Worse than feeling estranged, running away, and never coming back. I
live with friends, not family. Of course,
there were incidents before this one that helped me make my decision, but this
was the last straw.
The day
before my 18th birthday, I ran away. It hurt. But this hurts more.
And he’ll never know what has happened. I never had the chance to say. Maybe Mom
was right about him. Perhaps all the things she said were true. He is arrogant.
He is manipulative. He isn’t a good person. I just believed there was more in him. The
potential is undeniable. He could be a force for good. Just not yet, not for
me. Nothing will change that.
He gave
me a new name. He showed me a new way to think. I felt special in his eyes, I
felt I could do more and be more than I was. He lifted me and now he has
dropped me. I need my old name back. My true name. No more “Schmidt”. I am
Alyssa, and I always have and always will be. He changed me, but he cannot define me. I choose who I
am, who I want to be, and who I will become.
I wish
it wasn’t goodbye.
No comments:
Post a Comment